modern motherhood
I've been in a real sour mood lately... partly due to the heat and partly because mothering seems to be more demanding than I'm up to at the moment. Lately all I long for is some ME TIME. I just want some time to relax, kick my feet up, or go out and have fun. Anything that doesn't involve chasing Oliver around or washing dishes.
Unfortunately, the reason that I have almost no "me time" looks to be very likely related to the model of parenting I've taken to heart--attachment parenting. I complained (or rather whined) about my lack of "me time" to my solution-oriented husband, who, told me to --guess what--think of some sort of solution. Among his suggestions, teach Oliver to drink by himself from a bottle. Lovely time-saving idea, but that would mean feeding him formula which goes against my conviction to breastfeed for at least a year for the medical benefits. I could pump milk for him to feed himself, but it would entail buying an expensive breast pump or spending even more time manually pumping it out. Another of his ideas was to tell Oliver firmly not to cry when he cries. Well, that goes against another of my baby-raising convicitons of responding to your baby's needs in order to build a relationship of trust that will hopefully make him a secure individual. Finally, he offered to take Oliver on a morning stroll to give me a bit of desperately sought after "me time." (If you're wondering... Jaime works mostly in the evening doing wedding photography.) Now, that's an idea I like.
Just now after re-reading the 8 ideals of attachment parenting on their API website, maintaining balance in your family life in order to avoid parent burn-out happens to be on the list. They do offer some ideas that you can read for yourself at the above link, but none of them are what you could call an easy solution. Their last so-called-solution is to keep in mind that babies are most needy in the early years and that "this too shall pass."
My response is .... in the early years?? YEARS?? Yikes! It looks as if this parenting thing is gonna mean very little "me time" for quite some time. Now I can very clearly understand why my mother used to get so grouchy when we would come looking for her while she was locked away in the bedroom watching TV on her own.
And then last night I did some blog reading on other moms' blogs and came across a post called Mom Guilt that got me thinking even more. I don't know a lot about this mom, except that she has a three year old in a Montessori program and works what she calls part-time because she takes off Fridays to be with her kids. To sum up her post, she's feeling guilty for not staying at home full time with her kids because she believes that they deserve to be cared for by someone who loves them unconditionally--something the kids' teachers can't do. But at the same time she's afraid that if she were home full-time she would be a cranky, impatient, and exasperated mother. Other moms commented similar feelings of guilt for working and putting their kids in daycare, yet at the same time said they would feel crabby or unfulfilled if they stayed home. One mom even wrote that her husband's co-workers (men) strongly disagree with women working. "They claim we're letting someone else raise our kids."
I feel that this work but feel guilty vs. stay-at-home but feel unfulfilled is a critical issue for modern mothers. But what was it like for our grandmothers? No one was urging them to enter the workforce (except maybe during WWII when they were needed to manufacture the planes and weapons of war), yet did they also grapple with feelings of unfullfilment and crabbiness at staying home all day with the kids? I never got that feeling from my grandma (mom's side), who exemplifies the stoic Mennonite woman. On the other hand, I totally get that feeling from my dad's mother. I think that if given the charm and talent, she would have opted to have been a famous singer rather than a mother. Unfortunately for her and my dad, she was born into a time that gave women few options.
I'm still trying to figure out my own views on this issue, but I'm curious to hear what other readers out there think and feel about the working vs. staying at home dilemma. For now, I'm sticking with my plan to stay home for at least a year with Oliver because I am hoping that he will become a secure adult knowing that his mom was there to meet his needs as a baby. After he turns a year old, I have to figure out what my next move is. Ideally, I'd like to have my mom look after him so I can have some time of my own or possibly work part-time. But if we're not in Kansas (we may possibly move there), I think I will put him in some sort of classes for babies a few times a week. Something interesting for him that gives me a little time too.
posted by mamacita @ 3:03 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Apologies in advance: this is a total essay. I hope you don't mind!
I'm not a mom (yet), but since a number of people I know have researched and/or embraced attachment parenting to some degree, and I've read some of the literature during babysitting downtime, I've thought about it some. Keeping in mind that my perspective is limited by my not being a parent, I feel like a lot of attachment parenting literature intentionally places a huge burden of guilt on mothers. I used to page through Mothering magazine and put it down convinced that I could never be a mother. It's possible there are some articles I missed, but overall I had the impression that the writers and editors were saying "don't work during your child's early years unless you absolutely MUST." I also had the impression that some of their writers believe a crying child is letting you know that he or she is about to be psychologically damaged unless you drop everything, NOW. Obviously kids shouldn't be left to cry it out all the time, but this is a bit much.
Madtown Mama can surely also weigh in on her experiences with the Sears books, so I'll leave that to her.
I kind of balk at the attitude of daycare as "paying someone else to raise your children," as I've heard some parents say. Some attachment parenting literature really seems to demonize daycare. Of course it's problematic if your kids never see you. But daycare provides some vital functions, like socializing children and strengthening their immune systems. In my limited experience, the kids who are pushing three or four and still see no one but their moms during the day are a little bit fussier and harder to be around. (This is of course setting aside the issue of expense, which is the thing that makes daycare problematic and/or prohibitive for a lot of people.)
I wonder if attachment parenting isn't fundamentally a reactive movement. It's reacting against a few things, probably: harsh, conservative, restriction-oriented, emotionally distant parenting; also the denigration of motherhood that has unfortunately been part of the feminist movement at times. These are good things to work against, but sometimes nuance gets lost in reactive movements.
All I really have to go on are the parts of the Sears books that I've read, and the Mothering mag, but I get kind of an insidious message for women from both of them. It seems the burden of not screwing up your kids is on you, all the time, and you are the one and only person who can meet your child's needs. I've seen children thrive under much more fluid circumstances. My father was in many ways my primary caregiver for the first year of my life because my mother was diagnosed with R.A. that year and couldn't carry me around a lot or breastfeed me after 6 weeks, and I made it through without lasting trauma (and have a close relationship with my dad).
The good news about attachment parenting is how many discerning and thoughtful parents are reading the literature and learning to use what is useful and question what is questionable. Obviously you're in that category, Mamacita. I know Oliver will continue to be a lovely, happy boy.
wow, wow, wow. I've been meaning to post about these very things for a while now and haven't gotten around to it. I will post eventually on my own blog, but I'll comment here, too.
After observing parents who embrace the attachment parenting 100%, I decided (before becoming a parent myself) that I could never do what they did. There's no way (I thought) that I could co-sleep or breastfeed past a year or stay at home all the time. Well, since having Daniel, my attitude has tempered slightly. He sleeps in a crib, but is still in our room (he's up to nurse at least twice a night, so I figure, why go to another room at 3am for the inevitable?) We bring him into bed with us in the early morning, otherwise we'd have to get up when he does at 5. And right now I'm enjoying breastfeeding enough that I might go past a year (though we'll see what happens when he gets teeth).
The thing about attachment parenting, especially the Sears approach, is that you have to take it with a grain of salt or you WILL feel guilty for leaving your child with someone else for 5 minutes or giving him formula every once in a while or, God forbid, expecting your husband to do a good share of the parenting. (The Sears annoy me sometimes. Can you tell?)
And the advice to just suck it up and treasure the early years when you're feeling frustrated and oppressed is just crap. Find someone who can babysit (your husband, a neighbor, a friend with a kid you can swap with) for a morning or afternoon once a week and give yourself that "me time." It's important. Kids pick up on stress, so if you're cranky and frustrated and overwhelmed, Oliver will be able to tell.
Oh, a word about breast pumps. Medela makes one called the Harmony pump that's only about $30. It's a hand pump, so it's definitely slower than the electric kind, but it's perfect for occasional bottle feedings. I have no idea about getting these things in mexico, but you'll be in Kansas soon, and you should be able to find one at Target or a maternity store or a homecare pharmacy.
Have you read "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan? It's all about unfulfilled housewives/mothers in the 1950s and 60s. It's heavy reading, but very good. I don't think I actually finished it, but I recommend the first few chapters!
Oh Dear one, I understand your feelings and your need for a time that is all yours to re-charge, and feel like a woman, like yourself, and not so much like a momy. Though you are a mami, and you love your child. I became a mami at an unexpected time, and since my child was not planed, many, many, many thoughts came to mind that I am not too proud, and thus make me feel guilty in many levels, but that would be a whole other conversation and topic.
I came to motherhood very unprepared. I did not researched what type of parenting i would pick, or what type of work schedule i would have, etc. Parenting ploped on my lap, and i had to embrace it right away.
I remember my mother being right there with us every single day of her life!! I remember that she sometimes would have the lady that helped us with the cleaning of the house take care of us, and she would go out on her own, but I don't remember her every in a bad mood or even bothered by us. She had 4 kids, and my father was, and is most of the time traveling. She seems now to me, a bit like a single mother. Yes! I wonder how she did it!! All I can come up with is that she loved us so much, and she figured that that was the life she was to lead. I also think that my mother had the "vocacion" to be a full time mother. She saw her motherhood as part of her mission in support of my father's revolutionary ministry during years of civil war in Guatemla.
I think that we sometimes forget that it also depends on how the world around us works. I am sure my mother wanted to go and be alone many times, and that she had frustrations as a woman, but also she understood her role in our family story, as well as in our childhood story too.
I think it is important to remember that our frustrations as women, should not be put upon our children, for it is not their fault. I am sure that each one of us know that.
I am a sigle mother, which means i am the one and only person that parents my Camila. My parents are home with us too, but they made it clear that they would't help out by babysitting so that i can have a day alone. This pained me, because there are days when my energy level is so low, and my patience is almost non existant,and my social life is extinct. Until one day, when my body, not my sould could handle it anymore and I broke. I broke in my room hiding from my daughter in my room, where my mother found me and finally understood that i needed help.
So i had a day off, and i was able to re-charge, and came home ready to be a mother again, and take charge for the next six months again.
You must wonder why am I sharing this with you? Well, I share this because I find it important to be able for each one of us: mohter, wives, and women to be able to find a support group, that is not only secure for our children, but that allows us to know that we are not alone!! Women now a days, think of being independant, and self suficient, and while that is good, we also need support. I know I do! I know that my good friends taht are married without kids need my support too. I know that having somone you can count on and share is very important.
I always dreamed i would be married when my children would come, and that I would have his help so that i could be a full time mother until my kids went home, but life has other plans, and we can't, I can't be upset about it. My child goes to Day Care every day, and it does pain my heart, and i wish she did not have to spend so much time there, but when i go pick her up and her huge eyes look at me, and her arms stretched out yelling "mami, mami!!" my heart feels joy! I devote my afternoons to my daughter and make sure that she takes priority, over the house chores, or work! Why? because I am a mother, and because Camila is my most prized treasure. I am sure Amy linda, that Oliver is too, your most prized treasure, and that though your are tired, and needing your time, his eyes looking at you and his little voice calling you melt every inch of your heart, and you know it is worth anything.
What can i say to make you stop feeling guilty? hay amiga! you just need to remember that if you are tired, and cranky it is fine!! and that you leaving your child with a sitter, or Day Care, or your husband, does not make you any less of a good mother, and your child is not going to be scared for life. Also, think that your baby also needs some time away from you. Who says he does not get cranky from seeing your beautiful face too. It is not lack of love, or responsability, or care, it is just a fact of life. Even our children need to see other faces, relate to others that relate differently than you and me. This will also teach your most prize treasure, to be a well rounded man. Spend as much time with your kid, and when you feel poopy. Make sure Oliversito's papa does his work as a parent too. You do have a husband to help you out. He can do it! and you can rest. It is called marrige and Family. Take care of each other. If I was closed to you, I would take care of you too.
So you see my sweet friend, I don't have an specific phylosophy that has been published, and I don't know that my method of mothering is the best, but I know, that when you dictate your life by a structured theory you leave out the oportunity to be spontaneus parent. But i also know that by being so spontanouse like me, you miss out on experiencing and giving your child an organized and secure home. I want to ivite you to be the mother you want to be. I want you to be happy, and to find a support groupt that will allow you to be and feel the way you want to. I want you to feel fulfilled and happy woman. I want you to love, and be loved. Our mother's and grandmother's live a different reality, and our lives are to be determined by our realities. How did they do it? we don't know, but they did it, and we can too. Let's remember to keep our strugles away from our kids, so that when their turn comes, hopefully they will ask us, and we will be able to hand them our wisdome, and allow them to struggle too. This is the only way we can live fully our wonderful gift of motherhood. Our strugles are ours, and our love is theirs. Do you remember the moment your child came and you saw him for the first time? Did you have a sense of selflessness? Did you forget the pain right away? Did your heart overflowed with tenderness and unconceivable and overwhelming love? I remember feeling that way!!! i remember trembling from joy, and kissing her bloody body, wishing they did not have to take her away to poke her, and clean her. I AM IN LOVE WITH MY CHILD, AND THOUGH I GET TIRED, AND WANT TO RUN AWAY AT TIMES, I CAN'T IMMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT HER. WHEN I FEEL RUN AWAYIS, I REMEMBER THAT DAY WHEN SHE CAME, AND I ALSO IMMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT HER. i don't wnat you to think that i don't understand, or that i descard our tiredness and desire to be us, but it is good for me to remember that i would not want it any other way.
I have learned after two years, or in "el trayecto" of these two years, that my Camila needs to cry, and that she will soon get over it. She will sometimes cry because she aches or feels yucky, but sometimes she will cry because she wants to! It is important for us to let them vent too, and leave them with their anger, or frustration. After a while you can hold them and kiss their forhead and say, "I love you" and ask them if they feel better. Camila will ofthen say, "I better" and will go happilly to her next whatever. I have learned that she also need her time away from me, and when that happens she will let me know. I am sure Oliver will get to that point too, and you will feel more rested too, because you will be able to read your book, and have your glass of wine, while he plays with his toys all by himself. Just remember that you need to also teach him that he can do things alone too. I am sure you have read all there is to be read, but i hope that may experiences and what i have learned along the way can also help you.
Sweet Amie, i talked and talked away, and I probably am the one that makes less sense! But here is my piece of heart, and also my full support for you to vent my way! I am all ears, and hopfully you will feel that i can also be a shoulder to lean on. love, super faby
First let me proclaim myself to be a believer in attachment parenting and a reader of the Sears books. With Sofia now being 18 months old I feel that the attachment had been well established and having made it through the first year into more independent days I finally SIGH with relief. The first year wasn't easy for me. Most likely due to my working in a ER where you see the worst case scenario and wanting to be home with her for that time. But, you do what you have to. I was very lucky though to have a job where I mostly worked weekends so she could be with her father and then established a babysitting swap with another mom/nurse so that she would be cared for in a trusted home.
Aimee, I think it's great that you have a partner that says "take a break". Jaime is part of the attachment process. Don't feel guilty for the need to be AWAY from your child. I felt less of a mom because I could be everything for everyone. Make a routine of it. And as much of the literature states...this too shall pass. He is now at a stage where he is eating solid food. If you don't like the idea of formula (I'm with you there) then nurse him and get out for a while and he can eat solids or drink water from a bottle of sippy cup.
Hope you find this helpful and I'm glad you will be in Kansas with babysitters galore!! My parents will be in Seattle for a week and we have already planned 3 dates out during that time.
Post a Comment
<< Home